Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
