I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
