I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
