a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
