what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
