i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
