I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Randomize
