I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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