cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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