Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
