Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Randomize
