That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
