the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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