what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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