just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
