what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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