Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
