There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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