last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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