oh fat girl friday strikes again...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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