why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
