Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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