I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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