Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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