yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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