Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
