I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I died a long time ago.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
