I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
