she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
