Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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