I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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