I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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