I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
