so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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