Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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