College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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