I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
