The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
