I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All the doctor said was why
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
