soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
