Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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