We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
