my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
