I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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