My first STD was from a foam party
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
