Please don't use social media to get back at me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
