i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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