Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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