wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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