Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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